Ben & Shae Cecka's family in Gilbert, AZ

I’ve started bleeding again, and I don’t know if I haven’t fully healed from the pregnancy, or if I’m super crazy fertile and am having a period already despite the fact that I am breastfeeding. Either way, I think it’s some pretty sick irony… this time last year I was still pregnant with Jeremy and bleeding so much that I would lose him within a week.
I was driving home from yoga class thinking about one of many visits I had in the ER May of 2007:

Jeremy was nestled so far into my pelvic area that the sonographer couldn’t get a good picture of his head for me, but we had so many ultrasound photos that I didn’t mind. This one, like all the others, promised that the baby living in me was alive and well, and showed no bleeding. Always the ultrasound would show that “the baby is fine,” and there was no bleeding. Unable to give me a definitive answer, the doctor ordered my discharge papers and my IV was removed. As I was getting off of the table to get dressed and go home, a blood clot dropped out of me, a little smaller than a tennis ball in size. I thought my intestines were falling out. The nurse that came into the room said that it was probably “product of conception,” and that he was sorry for our loss. If I was not slow to realize that “product of conception” meant “your baby,” I would have showed him the ultrasound photo with clearly defined skeletal structure, and would have informed him that the blood blob on the table was a damn blood clot, and not my child. Tired and frustrated, I left anyway, and once home was in so much pain that I would have gone back for the drugs I refused, had I not just spent 6 hours there with stupid nurses that didn’t know what they were talking about. I was loosing so much blood that I had to send Ben to the store to pick up some overnight sanitary pads. I went through four regular pads, and two pairs of pants in one hour. I’ll never forget that he came home with the right kind of pads, and some Ferrero Rocher. What a man. If I can’t have drugs, chocolate is the next best thing.

After reminiscing I decided to stop at the store on the way home for some Ferrero Rocher, and disposable diapers for Joshua. I came home with Ferrero Rocher, and a bottle of Tequila.
I was afraid, when I found out that I was pregnant again so soon, that I might have some resentment for the new baby. But I love Joshua, and Johnathan, with burning maternal passion. But all the love in the world that I have for them will not change the fact that there is a hole in our family picture, and nothing will ever replace the spot we have in our hearts for Jeremy.

May 12 is his birthday. I can’t believe a whole year has gone by since the day we held our son who lived for only an hour. We will never forget, and I hope our friends and family will not forget him either. The very first anniversary is a tough one to get through. Kind thoughts and words are welcome during this time.

“On October 15, at 7:00 pm in all time zones, families around the United States will light candles in memory all of the precious babies that have been lost during pregnancy or in infancy. Too many families grieve in silence, sometimes never coming to terms with their loss.

If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss due to SIDS, prematurity or other cause, we hope you will join us in this national tribute to create awareness of these tragic infant deaths and provide support to those that are suffering. “

Oh boy, here we go. So we accepted an offer on the house today and should be closing our chapter here by the end of the month! We are trying to get into this charming little home in Gilbert, Arizona. Johnathan and I are going to head out a week early and take our dear sweet time crawling down south so we can visit with everyone along the way. Ben is going to load up the truck on that last day and shoot right through, stopping only for gas and coffee I’m sure. Send a travel safety prayer our way!

Also, Ben and I celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary today! We spent it at the hospital looking at the ultrasound for our third baby! Nadeje measures only a little under half an inch, and is almost 7 weeks along. (s)he has a heartbeat, and is expected to arrive March 22, 2008.
So strange, the sonographer took one look at me and said, “seven weeks.” When he pulled the image up on the screen he said, “Oh, maybe a little earlier. I’m going to guess about 6 weeks, 4 days.” He joked that he was “way off” when the measurements proved to be one day’s difference.
Showing only a dark circle with a tiny white spot in it, Johnathan walked out of the hospital with the photo facing outward. “This is my baby,” he told people we walked by. He is a very proud big brother.
Nadeje, our little one’s in-utero name, is Czech for hope, something we must hold on to after the tragic events that occurred this spring. We will always love and miss Jeremy and this child in no way replaces him or our sadness, but it will add some love and joy to our home.

So much excitement my head is spinning.
Desert ho!