I’ve started bleeding again, and I don’t know if I haven’t fully healed from the pregnancy, or if I’m super crazy fertile and am having a period already despite the fact that I am breastfeeding. Either way, I think it’s some pretty sick irony… this time last year I was still pregnant with Jeremy and bleeding so much that I would lose him within a week.
I was driving home from yoga class thinking about one of many visits I had in the ER May of 2007:
Jeremy was nestled so far into my pelvic area that the sonographer couldn’t get a good picture of his head for me, but we had so many ultrasound photos that I didn’t mind. This one, like all the others, promised that the baby living in me was alive and well, and showed no bleeding. Always the ultrasound would show that “the baby is fine,” and there was no bleeding. Unable to give me a definitive answer, the doctor ordered my discharge papers and my IV was removed. As I was getting off of the table to get dressed and go home, a blood clot dropped out of me, a little smaller than a tennis ball in size. I thought my intestines were falling out. The nurse that came into the room said that it was probably “product of conception,” and that he was sorry for our loss. If I was not slow to realize that “product of conception” meant “your baby,” I would have showed him the ultrasound photo with clearly defined skeletal structure, and would have informed him that the blood blob on the table was a damn blood clot, and not my child. Tired and frustrated, I left anyway, and once home was in so much pain that I would have gone back for the drugs I refused, had I not just spent 6 hours there with stupid nurses that didn’t know what they were talking about. I was loosing so much blood that I had to send Ben to the store to pick up some overnight sanitary pads. I went through four regular pads, and two pairs of pants in one hour. I’ll never forget that he came home with the right kind of pads, and some Ferrero Rocher. What a man. If I can’t have drugs, chocolate is the next best thing.
After reminiscing I decided to stop at the store on the way home for some Ferrero Rocher, and disposable diapers for Joshua. I came home with Ferrero Rocher, and a bottle of Tequila.
I was afraid, when I found out that I was pregnant again so soon, that I might have some resentment for the new baby. But I love Joshua, and Johnathan, with burning maternal passion. But all the love in the world that I have for them will not change the fact that there is a hole in our family picture, and nothing will ever replace the spot we have in our hearts for Jeremy.
May 12 is his birthday. I can’t believe a whole year has gone by since the day we held our son who lived for only an hour. We will never forget, and I hope our friends and family will not forget him either. The very first anniversary is a tough one to get through. Kind thoughts and words are welcome during this time.
